On love & on depression

Reflections over the past 2 weeks

Introduction

It’s a calm Monday morning earlier today when I got as the dawn was breaking.

I took a shower and took a bus to the Botanic Gardens for a little walk.

Upon reaching, I sipped on the oat white coffee I got before entering the park and luxuriated in the serene peace of the gardens.

It was nice.

I wrote a little haiku then went back and set up my to-do list for the day.

I like starting my mornings slowly and peacefully. I think that’s how my life ought to be, after the chaos of the past. I enjoy the peace and calm so much.

Thought I’d spend some time reflecting on some swirling thoughts that I’ll extract from my brain onto this page today.

Enjoy.

On Love

In church yesterday, Pastor Miak preached a bit about “fish-love”.

Quoting Rabbi Dr Abraham Twerski,

“Love is a word that, in our culture, has almost lost its meaning.

Let me tell you a story about the Rabi of Kursk.

He came across a young man who was clearly enjoying a dish of fish that he was eating, and he said: ‘Young man, why are you eating that fish?’.

And the young man says ‘because I love fish!’.

He says: ‘Oh you love the fish, that’s why you took it out of the water and killed it and boiled it.’

He said ‘Don’t tell me you love the fish; you love yourself, and because the fish taste good to you, therefore you took it out of the water and killed it and boiled it.’

So much of what is love is fish-love.”

It made me wonder a bit about selfless love versus selfish love.

If a lot of Hollywood love centres around how a person makes one feel, Pastor Miak was saying, that is rather selfish.

True love is unconditional giving to the other person, for self-love is a given.

At this, I shook my head imperceptibly.

I was gratified to hear that he later continued by saying that for a lot of LGBTQ+ folks, self-love is actually not a given.

For most of my life, I have given so much to others.

To my family, to my church(es), to religious leaders, to my school, to my workplace, to my friends, to my exes.

The only person I haven’t quite given as much to is myself.

Only now, in my mid-30s, am I learning to prioritise myself and give me some love.

Perhaps then, with this re-framing, pursuing how another makes one feel isn’t wholly bad.

I think the key is balance.

“Loving without attachment,” a phrase Venerable You Guang quipped at a recent wedding I attended, has also been percolating in my mind.

Easy to say, difficult to do.

I am learning to lean into the present moment. To appreciate the simple joy of being in the presence of another, instead of reminiscing the good times of the past, and projecting a happy future.

I am learning to express my feelings fully as I learn to feel them thoroughly.

Loving without clinging is certainly difficult, but being mindful certainly helps.

Being around senior cats is a helpful reminder. I tell the cats I love them daily, for today might be their last day, for they are so old.

Perhaps learning to receive from another is also part of loving deeply. I receive the cats’ affection and attention. I receive their love and their compassion. I receive.

And I give them head pats that they love. I give them cuddles. I give them my attention and affection.

Perhaps, like Pastor Miak said, love is a dance.

It is an exercise in mutuality, and in reciprocity.

I am learning and leaning in.

Interlude

You can click on this playlist as we continue into the next section.

It’s pretty music for a sombre topic.

The theme for my life currently.

On Depression

This section is paywalled for my friendly friends and subscribers only because it is so intensely personal.

Okay, let’s dive into the depths of my depression.