Coming out of a depressive spell

Reflections as I slowly but surely climb out of the deep dark abyss of depression

Life updates

An epiphany

There was a restlessness that bubbled up from deep within me yesterday.

As I went to Kinokuniya to grab a book I ordered about Graves’ disease, browsing about the bookstore helped. For once, I didn’t feel a desperate need to shop to shore up my inner lack, the void that often threatens to consume me whole. That was interesting.

When I exited Takashimaya, I walked outside - it was freezing within the mall - and chanced upon a busker with a Chinese instrument playing a Western tune. I stopped to listen, and it was rather magical.

At the end of the song, I stood to walk away, but was drawn back to the busker when he continued with Jay Chou’s 菊花台, a song I often play from my playlist.

The next one where he did Elvis Presley’s “Can’t Help Falling in Love” on his sheng was rather special. I sang along and felt the goosebumps on my arms.

I suppose I’m writing all this because in that 15 minutes I sat there on the bench along Orchard Road, watching his set, I saw countless people walk past. Many were filming the busker on their smartphones, then walking quickly away, some polite enough to leave some change behind.

Others walked on, absorbed in texting, earphones in, oblivious to the world around them.

Still others stopped, gave him some money, then continued on.

I am not criticizing them, how could I, when I too, was occupied with my phone the last three pieces in his set?

But in the few moments when I was fully immersed in the moment - the music was just so alive. Transcendent almost.

Music truly is magic.

A free concert, a surprise treat the universe bestowed upon me, an unappreciated treasure.

Once again I am learning to be in the moment instead of rushing around doing life, as I have done throughout my life.

Note: If you’re ever in Orchard Road, do check out this unusual busker.

Why I was depressed from July - October 2024

So I had a relapse of Graves’, a hyperthyroid condition.

My original endocrinologist, a senior consultant, said it was most likely due to the third bout of Covid I caught at the beginning of June.

Well it makes sense since I was so hyper and full of energy the entire month of June running around, selling books at my pop up queer bookstore and running pride events, only with barely 3-5 hours of sleep.

When the doctor quadrupled my dose of carbimazole, I fell into a deep, deep depression almost immediately.

For the two weeks I was on that increased dose, I was in a dark, dark space.

Looking back, it seems rather irresponsible for him not to tell me that this would be a side effect, but how can I blame him, since almost all western doctors operate in silos these days?

Seeing my therapist weekly helped, and weekly dates with a charming companion also did.

Friends rallied around me (thank you all who subscribed to this Substack, I am most grateful, you know who you are), and I took a break from life for a bit.

I also decided to prioritise self-care and quit a bunch of stuff to focus on resting both my mind and my body.

Things I quit to focus on myself

I made a little list of all the things I stopped doing the past 3 months:

• Medical Dhamma Circle’s Admin Team

• The Other Book Club’s Admin Team

• Queer Therapists of Singapore’s Admin Team

• Queer Friendly Chers’ Admin Team

• Assorted group chats on Telegram & WhatsApp

• Queer writing clubs and reading hangouts at Proud Spaces

Instead of regret, I feel relief.

I suppose even though I enjoy doing all these things, having so many extra curricular activities was really taking a toll on my body, spirit, and soul, especially with the double relapse of Graves’ and depression.

My gratitude abounds to all my friends who stepped in and gave me some space to breathe.

Rest, I realise belatedly, is so very important.

I shall take my cue from the pair of cats I am now cat-stting.

Cat philosophy: Sleep all day, and work judiciously, only when needed.

Books I read in this depressive spell

• Babel by R. F. Kuang

• The Song of Achilles by Madeline Miller

• Anxiously Attached: How to heal and feel more secure in love by Jessica Baum

• Full Body Presence: Learning to Listen to Your Body’s Wisdom by Suzanne Scurlock-Durana

• What My Bones Know: A Memoir of Healing from Complex Trauma by Stephanie Foo

Reading has always been a balm to my soul.

Books have kept me alive before, and in this depressive spell, they have kept me company and I am ever grateful to them.

One interesting highlight would be somatic practices I am getting in touch with, through a book titled Full Body Presence: Learning to Listen to Your Body’s Wisdom by Suzanne Scurlock-Durana, thanks to a Substack article by Elena Lake, who is a bodyworker based in Asheville, USA.

You should read this article by Elena if, like me, you’ve been someone who’s lived in their mind their entire life, and have gotten out of touch with their body.

It’s interesting how in my mid-30s that I am only just learning to hear what my body is telling me.

A most fascinating endeavour.

Resources For Developing Emotional Spaceholding Capacity

My therapist also recommended a book on C-PTSD, or complex post-traumatic stress disorder.

The book is called What My Bones Know: A Memoir of Healing from Complex Trauma by Stephanie Foo. I finished it in one feverish day, when, unable to work, I lay in bed and devoured the writing hungrily. It was so good!

I realise now that I perhaps have a touch of C-PTSD like the author did, having endured prolonged psychological abuse from childhood at home, and then in my young adult years in the church.

It’s a long story, I’ll probably write more about it next time, but I’d highly encourage everyone to read it.

Note: The book explained the cause of my frequent restlessness and utter dread that sometimes creeps up upon me without explanation.

Relationship update

Part 1: Interesting piece by Twitter friend, Vivid Void

So I read this piece by Vivid Void today and it was really compelling.

A Relationship Manifesto

It wasn’t the kink checklist on Google Sheets he linked that was, even though it was very thorough, but the fact that he thought so deeply about his relationship manifesto.

I used to have a dating profile on my website once (that I have since taken down) but writing it did provide much food for thought.

Having now found (what I sincerely believe to be) my person, I am struck by how articulating what one wants in a document helps with finding that special someone.

It’s almost as if voicing out what one desires helps the universe in sending that special someone to you.

Which leads me to my next point.

Part 2: A song sent to me by my beloved